It was Greg the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But what's the dollar for"? "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"
A couple was Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this **** but me."
Reading all of these jokes has cheared me up no end..... So heres one of mine. Paddy goes into a bank, straight to the first cashier and says" Put yoor ands in dee air , fill the bag wid money or your GEOGRAPHY " The cashier, looking a bit bemused replies " SIR, don't you mean HISTORY " Sharp as a tack Paddy says " Don't go changing the SUBJECT "
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange: • Officer: May I see your driver's license? • Biker: I don't have one. ...I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. • Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? • Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it. • Officer: The motorcycle is stolen? • Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag? • Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags. • Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!? • Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation: • Captain: Sir, can I see your license? • Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. • Captain: Who's motorcycle is this? • Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. • Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it? • Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag. • Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them. • Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs. • Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags. • Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
@GreyImport , your' story reminded me of this: A Connecticut State Police Trooper pulled over an old 1955 Cadillac for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the car, he noticed a little old lady behind the wheel. The police officer asked the old lady for her license, registration, and insurance cards; however, when she opened up her purse to retrieve those cards, to his surprise he noticed a concealed weapon carry permit. The trooper took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mrs. Smith, I see you have a concealed weapon permit. Do you have a gun with you?" Very sweetly and proudly the little old lady replied, " oh, yes officer, I have a Smith & Wesson 38 calibre pistol right here in my bag. Do you wish to see it?" And before he could reply, the old lady opened her handbag under his nose and sure enough, he immediately recognized the distinctive snub barrel of a Smith & Wesson 38. Kind of taken aback, as a matter of formality he cautiously asked her, "do you have any other guns with you?" To which the old lady boasted, "I also have a 357 magnum in my glove compartment", opening its cover and revealing its huge barrel. The officer, flabbergasted, found himself then asking before any further thought on his part, but not really expecting anything more: "anything else?" To which she replied, "Why, yes, I also have a 44 magnum in my console, and a 12 gauge shotgun in the trunk." As you can imagine, at this point the police officer was at a total loss as to why an old lady would have in her possession such an arsenal of weapons, so thinking she was a bit crazy, he bent over, looked her in the eyes, and asked, "Lady, may I ask you what you are afraid of?" To which the old lady locked eyes with the officer and said, "Not a ******* thing!”
Farmer walks into his bedroom, where his wife is lying down, with a sheep thrown over his shoulder. Look here he says this is the pig I sleep with when you've got a headache. His wife looks up and says what are you talking about you fool that's a sheep not a pig. Farmer says shut up I wasn't talking to you.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane. As fate would have it she sat right next to him. Eager to strike up a conversation he asked, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention. With difficulty, he calmly asked, What’s your business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are they? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the American Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and said. I’m sorry, she said, I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.
A man begins making vigorous love to his wife. After a few minutes he stops. "What's going on?" his wife says, "why have you stopped?". The man replies, "It is a new technique I learned online. It's called buffering!".
NSFW, offensive language and sexual concepts! (BTW, admins, if it's too much feel free to delete it ) Three men are talking about their prowess in the bedroom. The Italian says "After I make love to my wife she sleeps for ten hours without moving a muscle." The Frenchman says "After my wife and I finish our lovemaking session my wife calls me the world's greatest lover, brings me wine, chocolates and coffee, massages my feet and my shoulders, runs me a hot bath and, later, lets me sleep for twelve hours without disturbing me." The Aussie bloke says "Huh, you guys have no idea. After we finish f#cking my wife levitates!" The other two guys stare disbelievingly and accuse him of lying. The Aussie says "Nah, it's true. We have sex and I get up and wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the feckin roof!"
A bloke was giving a 'working girl' one up against the back wall off the pub and was just getting to the 'vinegar' strokes when she cried out, "stop, stop, I've got a stitch in my side." He replied, "a couple in your crutch wouldn't hurt."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"
